Irrelavent Essays: Godzilla compared to Table Salt
by Alexander Wright
Summary: The first in a series of essays comparing random fiction characters to random things.


Godzilla vs

Godzilla vs. Table Salt

By AtG

Once, there was a monster roaming everywhere. Godzilla, as the microscopic organisms of Tokyo called him, faced and defeated every enemy he came across. That was, until that fateful day. January 23, 2008, Godzilla came face to face with a creature so random, so weird, and so bizarrely different that we cannot even put the events into words. All we can do is examine what led up to these events. Compared today will be the exciting "who", "what", "where", "where", "what" and "who" of Godzilla, and his saline enemy, Table Salt.

Godzilla, King of the Monsters, Ruler of Monster Island and just about anything he surveys, rules the monsters with a radioactive fist. Being a mutant dinosaur, he also knows many other mutated beast, all of which he pawns if they try to stop him. He rules his domain from his underwater lair at the bottom of the Japanese trench. Often, he will visit his summer vacation properties on Monster Island, his home away from home. His archrival, Table Salt, only owns the Table Zone, hence the name "**Table** Salt". Table Salt can sometimes be found conquering vast tract of shelf space in the cupboard. America recognizes Table Salt as the number one condiment in the country gaining him widespread fame. His origins were of shabby means, occurring because of the nuclear fusion of some sodium and chloride. Godzilla still wins.

Continuing on, we read of another overcoming on Godzilla's part. Tokyo, Osaka, and a random city in Japan; these are the stomping grounds of Godzilla. The King of the Monsters always has time to demolish a few towers in the land of the rising sun. Often, in the case of the Final Wars, he can even be led to demolish buildings in such exotic locations as Australia. The same, however, cannot be said of Table Salt. It is guaranteed fact that Table Salt will never be found doing anything exciting, will not amount to a hill of beans, or even a heap of salt. Instead, Table Salt sits around in his domains of the Table Zone, the Back of the Pantry, and the Bottom of the Cupboard. During the Final Wars, Table Salt did not go to Australia, but the most ridiculous location in the entire house: The Bathroom. Truthfully, even now Godzilla still emerges victoriously in his activities.

What do they do? Now we hear of their missions. The mission of Godzilla is protection. He seeks to protect his planet from invading monsters, crazy mutants, and condiments with delusions of grandeur. Godzilla is proud to have the title of "Father" to go along with his other titles, such as "King of the Monsters", "Gojira" (In Japan only), and "Gigantis the Fire Monster". As the only title he has is "Sodium Chloride", Table Salt again is deficient in this respect. Similarly, Table Salt also has an intense mission. Table Salt is to protect the world from desalination, to unite all foods within one flavor, and to raise salt above the Tomato. Even in these comparisons, Godzilla gains victory almost single handedly.

Undoubted, people wonder if Godzilla fights alone. The answer to that is no. Godzilla often tag teams against the forces of Ghidorah with his friend Anguirus, or sometimes he'll save the world from Anguirus. Mothra and Mecha G are often paired with him, but only under the direst circumstances. Inconsequently, Table Salt also has friends, though it may be hard to believe. His close friend, like a brother to him, is Pepper. They fight the Evils of Boring, Bland Food. When the time is right, and the presents are under the tree, sometimes Table Salt will combine with bitter enemies Sugar, Cinnamon, and Baking Soda to form the most powerfully delicious compound ever: Cookies. Earth shattering as it is, Godzilla's friends cannot overcome the hypnotizing effect of freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies.

In the big battle, Godzilla and Table Salt were. Indeed, they had equally strengthened backgrounds; they had cool friend; they roamed around legendary landmarks; they were the best of enemies, and the worst of enemies; but in the end, only one came out. The children cheered. The citizens celebrated. Godzilla stomped salt.


End file.
